Once Upon A Christmas Tale
by Pandora's Teapot
Summary: While all the good guys are enjoying a Christmas party, Mr Gold and Jefferson get bored of being scrooges and decide to get dressed up in their Fairyland gear and concoct their own Christmas fun! Bit of comedy silliness that I drafted a year or so ago and forgot about, thought I might as well post it. :-)


**Once Upon A Time – A Christmas Special**

"'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature as stirring not even a -"

BANG!

A wisp of smoke rose from the barrel of the revolver at the end of Jefferson's outstretched arm. The television sparked and hissed, its screen cracked and fragmented in pieces on the floor. The sudden noise had wiped the blank stare off Mr Gold's face, replacing it with one of shocked amusement.

"I am so bored," Jefferson informed him monotonously, "and I despise Christmas."

Mr Gold snickered. He loved it when happy children with happy families were plastered inescapably over every medium in this world on special occasions, just for the fun of seeing Jefferson lose it.

"How 'bout a drink?" Gold suggested, rattling a bottle of fine, expensive wine he had begrudgingly been given as a gift from Regina. It was Storeybrooke custom for the Mayor to give wine on special occasions to outstanding contributors to the town…and those who said 'please'. He grinned at the thought. Jefferson considered it…tilting his head to one side inquisitively.

"Very well," he agreed, "but only if I can put it in a pot and serve it in tea cups."

"No."

"Aww…"

Mr Gold sighed as Jefferson pouted melodramatically.

"Fine."

Excitedly, Jefferson headed towards the kitchen of Mr Gold's enormous house, a spring in his step as he did a circuit of the tall Christmas tree that Belle had insisted they erect together 'as a family'. How he had enjoyed the shiny bells. Mr Gold had spent a lot of time playing with the sparkly tinsel, almost hypnotically. Belle had gone to a special Christmas party feast with Snow White and the other innocent, good folk. She fit in well with them, but the invitation had only had her name on it. So he and Gold had been left home alone to watch the Christmas carols and brood over the distinct lack of pudding in the house. At least there was tea, Jefferson thought as he picked up his favourite tea pot and skipped back into the living room. Mr Gold was already swirling the rich red wine in a crystal glass, pretending to be more sophisticated than he really was. Rumpelstiltskin was a lot of things, sophisticated was not one of them.

"What shall we drink to?" Mr Gold asked as Jefferson emptied half the wine bottle into his tea pot before pouring it into a little china cup with a reindeer painted on it.

"Definitely not to Christmas," he grumbled, "Christmas is not really our style."

"How about…to mischief and mayhem and everything in between then?" Gold suggested with a whimsical smirk.

"So long as there are no children."

_**2 hours and several drinks later…**_

"That time you enchanted my mushrooms without me knowing?" Jefferson asked, poking Gold's arm insistently. His companion giggled wickedly, giving a quick nod.

"And I sold the whole basket at the market, and for a week afterwards the villagers for miles around where talking in high pitched voices and hiccupping incessantly! Yes I remember!"

They both began to giggle and laugh, nudging and prodding each other with glee. Mr Gold poured another glass of wine, the red droplets splashing over the side of the glass. This made him giggle even more.

"Whoops!" Jefferson cried, leaning down to lick the spilt drops from the side of his glass even as Mr Gold pulled it away from him.

"Get out of it, you!" he scolded playfully, shooing his fingers at Jefferson.

"You know what I think the problem with this world is?" Gold asked, downing the glass in one gulp. Jefferson raised an eyebrow.

"Regina."

"Ha! Well, on top of that!"

Jefferson shook his head. Mr Gold leaned forward, his voice low and serious.

"It's the clothes the people in this world wear, they're ridiculous! All zippers and denim. Ugh. No class."

Jefferson agreed, pointing out the lack of appreciation for ruffles and velvet. Suddenly, Mr Gold had a brilliant idea. This Christmas, he and Jefferson should relive their glory days and break out the chest upstairs with all their old gear in it! In a flash, they were upstairs. They rummaged through the chest excitedly, telling stories and bad jokes associated with various items before tossing them over their shoulders. Mr Gold reached for another wine bottle, popping the cork so that it blasted across the room.

"Heeeyy!" both men cheered in unison before each taking a swig from the bottle. Arms loaded with bundles, they descended the staircase and returned to the living room. They looked at each other, grins spread wide across their faces. Without a word, they each scooted off in opposite directions to their rooms to change, Mr Gold clutching the bottle of wine protectively lest Jefferson try to nab it. Sneaky son of a bitch.

Within ten minutes, both men had returned the living room, decked out in more familiar garb from the Faraway Land. There were ruffled cuffs and embroidered buttons on Jefferson's golden-orange velveteen under-coat, and puffy sleeves on Mr Gold's expensive satin tunic. It was like looking back in time to a more familiar world. Jefferson nodded his approval.

"Those are some mighty fine dacks, my friend," he noted, commenting on the leather pants Rumpelstiltskin had been famous for…well, at least according to Belle. It only occurred to him now that she might have been trying to 'girl talk' with him…in which case he wasn't sure if he should be flattered or offended. Mr Gold pointed to Jefferson's less shiny, but just as closely fitted, suede pants with his cane.

"Great minds," he said with an approving nod, "great minds."

"Oh look," said Jefferson, turning the wine bottle upside down, "empty already."

"How did that happen?" Mr Gold asked, grinning over his guilty expression, "help me with these boots."

He tossed Jefferson one of a pair of knee high lace up boots.

"See, this is what I'm talkin' about," Jefferson said, admiring the shoe as though it were a piece of art, "pure - class."

**20 minutes and a bottle of wine per boot later…**

"There!" Mr Gold exclaimed, tying the last knot. He got up and gave Jefferson a little flourish and spin, looking a lot more like his usual, true self again. He had a crazy idea involving gold glitter and body paint, but dismissed it because people might start to talk. They had an image to uphold after all.

"Now what am I missing?" Mr Gold asked.

"More wine!" Jefferson cried, flinging his arms into the air enthusiastically. Mr Gold nodded his approval. But when Jefferson returned from the cellar, he had bad news. There was no wine left. They had drunk the entire stock.

"Jefferson my boy," Mr Gold said, slapping the back of his companion heartily, "let's go out!"

They looked at each other, grinning mischievously.

**A little while later, across town with a moderately priced bottle of gin…**

In a flurry of black leather coats and lace-up boots, Gold and Jefferson stumbled proudly down the snowy streets of Storybrooke. They had erupted into a gleeful chorus of song.

"Row row row your boat through mirrors on the walls,

Charming is keener, but Regina is meaner,

Who's got the bigger ba…"

"Hey!"

They turned to glare at the voice that had so unceremoniously interrupted their song. It was Henry, swaddled in warm woollens and beaming at them with rosy cheeks. He looked at the two men with curiousity for a moment before approaching and holding out a mittened hand. Jefferson peered down at the offering from beneath the rim of his top hat, a light layer of snow slipping from it as he tilted his head and settling on his shoulders and eyelashes instead.

"Candy canes?" he asked Henry with a raised eyebrow. The boy smiled.

"Merry Christmas! Nice clothes!"

"You know Henry, in some realms candy canes are deadly," Mr Gold warned ominously. Jefferson snorted.

"Those bastards owe me money."

"Right…" Henry replied, confused, "well, these ones are safe, I promise."

Gold and Jefferson glanced at each other before cautiously accepting the sweets from the boy. Henry beamed at them expectantly, waiting. With a sigh, Mr Gold began to unwrap the plastic coating from his candy cane, nudging a very sceptical looking Jefferson to do the same. Henry giggled as they struggled, bits of wrapper sticking to their fingers with sugary residue. Mr Gold cursed under his breath several times, and Jefferson shook his hand furiously in an attempt to remove the plastic from his fingertips.

"This is what you call safe?" Jefferson questioned Henry, tempering his annoyance. The boy just kept on smiling, chuckling. Jefferson realised that he hated the good guys.

When at last they had managed to unwrap their sweets, Gold inspected his candy cane triumphantly. With a smug grin, he high-fived Jefferson: another candy-cane victory to call their own. But Henry was still waiting, watching…annoyingly there as if something remained to be done.

"What?" Gold asked sharply.

"Aren't you going to eat it?" Henry asked. Mr Gold looked at the candy cane in his hand.

"Eat it?"

"Sure. That's what you do. It's a lolly, you suck on it."

"Why?" Jefferson asked, confused.

"Well, because it tastes good. Try it."

The two men glanced at one another, squirming awkwardly. They looked around quickly to ensure that no one was watching. The coast was clear. Slowly, reluctantly, they bought the candy canes to their lips, popping the red and white striped Christmas lollies into their mouths. Jefferson folded his arms with a scowl, and Mr Gold looked thoroughly displeased with the whole situation. There they were, two grown men who had once wielded considerable power and laid claim to noteworthy shadiness, reliving their glory days, decked out in the proud attire of their past, and now sucking on Christmas candy canes. It was demeaning…that is, until it hit them. Almost immediately, their eyes widened and slowly, Jefferson turned to meet Mr Gold's amazed stare. In synchronisiticy, they reached up and removed the candy canes from their mouths with a loud 'POP!'

"Candy canes are…" Mr Gold began slowly.

"AMAZING!" Jefferson finished, hopping from one foot to the other in excitement. He looped arms with Mr Gold and the pair danced around in circles, humming excited little ditties as they greedily licked at their lollies. Henry giggled.

"Well, they're good. What's amazing is when you dunk them in that bottle of gin there," came a voice from behind them. Mr Gold turned to find Emma Swan looking at them with a mixed expression of confusion and amusement. She approached to stand behind Henry, placing her hand firmly on his shoulder. Jefferson and Gold quickly regained their dignity, posing silently.

"Time for bed, Kid, I think you've spread enough Christmas cheer for one night," Emma said, narrowing her gaze at Gold and Jefferson, "nice outfits."

With that, she tried bit down on her growing smile as she shuffled Henry away. Mr Gold glared at her when, a few moments later, he heard Emma burst into laughter as she walked away. He grumbled something about vengeance and prophecies before turning to find Jefferson crouching in the snow.

"What are you doing?" he asked. Jefferson looked up at him, wide-eyed beneath the rim of his hat, a candy cane hanging from out of the corner of his smiling lips.

"She was right about the gin!"

With that, Mr Gold snatched the bottle from Jefferson and dropped his candy cane into it, swirling it around. But when he slipped his finger into the bottle to retrieve it, he found he couldn't reach the lolly inside.

"There's only one choice," he said solemnly, "we'll have to finish the whole bottle."

**Within the hour…**

DING! How Jefferson loved the ring of the little bell on the door of the general store. It didn't matter that he could no longer see straight, or that he felt so light and tingly that it reminded him of the sensations of portal jumping that he had so missed. All that mattered was that Rumple had a plan, and that they were ready. With an expression of resolve and determination, they stalked from the general store, arms laden with sparkly tinsel, fireworks, tea bags, toilet rolls, many bottles of wine, and assorted candy canes, and headed towards the park.

Their memory of the rest of the evening got a bit fuzzy from here…

**Much later that night…**

The Christmas party had ended later than expected, and Belle pulled her fluffy coat around herself to keep out the chilly night air as she walked towards the shop. Mr Gold had promised to be there waiting to escort her home, but the shop was dark and deserted. Typical. Oh well, she thought, better get walking. She decided to cut through the park, it would be quicker that way and she enjoyed looking at the moonlit snowflakes on the trees. But as she made her way along the park path, she noticed something glistening amongst a dark heap on the bench up ahead.

"Rumple?" she called as she drew closer, making out his form lying on the park bench. His head rested on the curled up form of Jefferson, fast asleep beside him. Belle could not believe what she was seeing. There was Mr Gold, dressed just as she remembered him from long ago, but wrapped in strings of Christmas tinsel with a candy cane poking out from between his lips and a near empty bottle of wine gripped in one hand. Meanwhile, Jefferson had a tea bag tied to each ear and a hat full of snow. Belle's eyes fell to the empty wine bottles on the ground, a veritable trail leading across the path to a nearby flaming tree. She could see residual streamers of toilet paper with tiny candy canes stuck to it and the leaves and trunk of the tree. There was a burnt patch on the ground and the empty remains of fireworks strewn about. With a sigh, she shook Mr Gold awake. He groaned miserably before he realised who it was.

"Oh, Belle…it's you. Did you see? We were trying to make magic. Look, look what we did."

Jefferson stirred.

"Candy canes are our friends now," he murmured.

"I see," Belle responded with a smile. Her idiots.

"Well, at least you didn't burn the house down," she said with a sigh, pulling Mr Gold to his feet and steadying him against a tree, "and my, you are both looking so sharp tonight".

"You're so beeeyooodeeeful," Mr Gold giggled. Jefferson pulled a face.

"You're turn next, Hatter," Belle warned as she heaved him to his feet and swung his arm around her neck. Carefully, she stumbled back over towards Mr Gold, beckoning for him to throw his arm over her too.

"Alright guys," she instructed as she slipped an arm around each of their waists, "I can't carry you both, I'm just the support. Now walk!"

Slowly, Jefferson and Gold began to stumble with one foot and then the next, guided by a giggling Belle. They recounted the epiphanies of their night to her, and regretfully informed that they no longer possessed a working television. When they finally stumbled through their front door, Belle dropped them one at a time on the couch and plucked the tea bags that hung around Jefferson's ears before disappearing into the kitchen to make tea.

"It's not real tea from a tea bag!" Jefferson protested half-heartedly. Mr Gold sighed.

"I love Christmas."

"We'll see how true that holds come morning," Belle said, reappearing with two cups of steaming black tea. But both men had fallen fast asleep. With an adoring smile, she covered them with a fleecy blanket and dimmed the lights before nestling between them.

**The next morning…**

Mr Gold groaned, his head pounding and a horrible taste in his mouth. The streams of daylight piercing through the house hurt his eyes and there was a candy cane stuck in his hair.

"I hate Christmas."

"Quiet…quiet I say!" moaned Jefferson from the other side of the couch. Belle stirred and smiled, stretching out of the ball she had curled into during the night.

"I'll put the kettle on."


End file.
